i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
