K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
