the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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