So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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