Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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