I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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