All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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