hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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