you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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