i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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