I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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