Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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