so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
