So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
