I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
