I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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