im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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