2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
