Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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