you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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