the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
