Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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