he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
