Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
