i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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