My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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