Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
