I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I cut my penus on the lid.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
