did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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