Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
