Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
