I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I AM VODKA MAN
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
