i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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