1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Acid is not a monday night drug
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
