I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
babies were throwing up all over the place
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
