I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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