Screwed.edu
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
high people should be assigned attendants
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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