Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She bit a glass in half.
There's always time for handjobs
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Randomize
