my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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