Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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