I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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