New invention idea: vibrating tampons
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
