Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
