If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize
