I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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