I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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