he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
