if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
