You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
