We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
