I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
