He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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