first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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