I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
