I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
