Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i will never coherently bang her
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
