i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
