I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
