Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so let's talk penis.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
