those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
how drunk are you?
Several
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
