I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
