dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
