If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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