I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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